Holidays can be stressful for vulnerable adult children and their parents.
Beyond thoughts of Turkey and sweet potatoes, most parents hope that they can create a positive holiday for all their children, including their adult children near and far. As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping mothers of adult children who have serious mental illness (bipolar disease, schizophrenia, or major depression) and/or substance use disorder (alcohol and/or drugs), I hear the worries and unique challenges they face as the holidays approach. Most worry for their adult children's future and wish that they could make this holiday a meaningful reprise for them.
In my research with older mothers (Smith, 2022), I discovered how difficult it is to want to protect your son or daughter who is struggling with a substance use or mental health challenge, while also realizing that you no longer have the power to "fix" your adult child's problems. Once a child is an adult, only they (along with the support of a functioning mental health system) can make the decision to take their prescribed medications or return to a rehab program. I have called the lack of power that parents feel regarding helping their adult children "difficult". As the holidays approach, mothers with difficult adult children struggle with unique decisions.
One way to protect yourself from another disappointing holiday, is to anticipate what might go wrong and plan around it. Having a family member with substance abuse issues or serious mental health challenges can be a realistic barrier to the Hollywood picture of a joyful family gathering. Decide in advance what will be your strategies if conflicts arise. Make your gathering one that will best protect you and your adult child.
If an adult child lives at home with mental health or substance use challenges, mothers worry whether their son or daughter will even emerge from their bedroom for the meal. If they don’t, mothers wonder how they should handle the questions of friends at the table ---“Where is Johnny?”. Knowing ahead of time what you will say, can empower you to field these questions and be more comfortable with your son or daughter's need to not be with others on the holiday.
Mothers whose adult children live independently worry whether, if invited, will their son or daughter really appear? If they do come, how will they behave? Too many dinners have been spoiled.
One mom told me that she, unhappily, will not celebrate this year. Instead, she and her husband will go to a nearby dinner. This will be the first time in 40 years that she and her husband will not host and will not decorate their tree. Her son and daughter have stopped speaking to one another. Her daughter stole money and silverware from her brother’s house, when he offered her housing before she entered rehab. She has not started to return the debt even though she is now employed. They no longer speak and refuse to be in the same room. The mom is depressed and grieving the end of a holiday tradition. A friend suggested she invite her son and his family for Thanksgiving and her daughter and her family for Christmas. But she is not ready to consider changing the 40-year tradition of everyone being together. In contrast, another mom has made peace with the fact that her family holidays will never be the same. Her son refuses to seek treatment for his bipolar disease. Until that changes, she relies on her own newly created rituals. She decorates a small tree with her favorite ornaments. She encourages her husband to go fishing on Thanksgiving as she prepares the ornaments that she will decorate the house with, in the coming weeks.
For those who have adult children who have cut off contact from the family, the day is a vivid reminder of their absence (Coleman, 2021).
Sylvia described to me her painful dilemma. Her daughter, Susan, has untreated schizoaffective disorder and lives in a shelter for persons with mental health challenges. Sylvia had to shut her home to her own daughter, after experiencing months of Susan's verbal abuse which then escalated into her physically attacking Sylvia. As Thanksgiving approaches, Sylvia is awoken with thoughts about her daughter in the shelter, or on the street, and imagines how lonely she must be. Sylvia wishes she could break the protective boundary she and her family have had to create. She has fantasies of allowing Susan into the family home, just for this one day. But she knows that she cannot risk being attacked again. The police had to be called the last time. If this were to happen again, Susan could be jailed. Instead, Sylvia has arranged for special food to be brought to be served at the shelter.
As the holiday approaches, in addition to making cranberry sauce and finding a tablecloth, prepare yourself internally. Take stock of what you are worried about and make a realistic plan that will be the best compromise for you and your family. Consider trying something different that will work for you and your vulnerable adult kids. Consider creating a new family tradition that builds on but adapts to your current situation (Imber-Black & Roberts, 1993). Trading in your rose-tinted glasses for a realistic plan might bring solace for all. Take stock of what you are grateful for and consider forgiving yourself and your kids and spouses who are struggling and not able to be the perfect guests you wish for. Being prepared for the disappointments that the holidays can bring, may allow you to be grateful for what you do have.
There are many excellent websites that give tips on how do understand and cope with the anxiety and depression that many experience over the holidays (https://www.nami.org/person-with-mental-illness/tips-for-managing-the-h…; https://www.webmd.com/depression/holiday-depression-stress).
References
Coleman, J. (2021). Pain of Estrangement. Harmony/Rodale: CA.
Imber-black, E. & Roberts, JH. (1993). Family change: Don't cancel holidays. Psychology Today, 26, p. 62.
Smith, J.R. (2022). Difficult: Mothering challenging adult children through conflict and change. Rowman & Littlefield: NY.